Viral virality
Our words have gone sideways
It will be news to no one that things have gotten weird recently. Gone a bit squirrely as they say. I think many, if not all of us, are walking around pretending to go about our days as if this Monday is similar to Mondays past, but knowing in our hearts that stuff is somehow flipped upside down. No one can really point to how we got here, or how to get out of it, but maybe if we look small, microscopically, we can see hints, find clues to the weird cultural flu we seem to have caught. Contact trace it back to its source. So instead of alerting you to more problems, or even trying to solve any of them, I want to take the next four minutes of your attention to examine the definitions of words; or really one word. A well established, time honored noun/adjective that seems to have Uno Reversed itself adding to the weird-ass doublethink world we’re living in. As Mr. Orwell once wrote about the 1980’s, War is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. Or as Peter Venkman said to the NY mayor in Ghostbusters, “Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... Mass Hysteria!”
According to a one second google search: The word “virus” (from Latin, meaning poison or slimy liquid) was first used in English in 1398 to describe poisonous substances or pus. It was later adopted in the 1790s to describe the contagium of infectious diseases, and finally, by 1898, Dutch microbiologist Martinus Beijerinck used it to specifically mean filterable, submicroscopic pathogens.
It still means that, but it’s taken on a second, very different meaning. When I’m not writing these Substacks I work in advertising. And to me and my ilk this word is about the best thing that can happen to you. Create the next viral sensation, discover a viral hack, have the next viral product, make a video go viral, achieve true virality. I think if we went back and found old Dr. Martinus and told him we were going viral, he’d throw us in isolation and call the priest. He wouldn’t hear us screaming through the door that going viral is awesome, fire, epic. Then as they latched the buckles on our straight jacket we’d try to explain that virality actually slaps. It means you’re a hit. You’ve made it. Your new Matcha Banana Black Sesame Foam Latte is being shared like a… like a… disease.
Yes! Skin treatments, pulled pork sandwiches, sleep tricks, chili crisp recipes, airplane neck pillows, dance trends, kid cursing videos, vacation destinations, they’ve all gone viral. And by that we mean they’ve spread among us like a wild contagion without control. Because we need these things. We crave them. Like Veruca Salt seeing Mr. Wonka’s super geese, we “don’t want it later Daddy. We want it NOW!” And so now, instead of fearing virality, instead of learning to contain it, now the desperate hunt is on to find what’s next, and next after that and one more for the road. Oh please let me be the one to spot it, try it, share it, review it and repost it. Look at me, I caught it first. I’m the Typhoid Mary lying dead at the heart of this trendy super spreader event, and you love me. You really love me for it.
It’s an odd thing to be just a few years removed from a world altering epidemic and yet be so obsessed with this concept. Who wants to come and get infected with this cultural pathogen? Then we’ll track its progress through your friend group, out through the followers, and into the zeitgeist. Watch it blow up and turn into THE MUST HAVE thing. We’ll form lines around the block for this Hot Honey Pore Opening Cereal Milk Truffle Mac Mouth Tape Pickle Ice Cream Espresso Martini. Yessir! Catch the fever.
Of course actual viruses don’t have minds, but one can imagine a world where they post themselves onto their own little social platforms, doing sexy virus dances, shaking their little virus butts and somewhere inside your mitochondria those moves become all the rage. Everyone liking, sharing, and reposting. Hundreds of thousands of wriggling little strands of DNA getting pumped out of your cells’ cytoplasm, convincing everyone that this is the new new, so fire we should make a sneeze about it. And boom, the virus has gone viral. Get in on it before it mutates. Lines are forming at the clinic. It’s the hottest viral hacking cough.
Maybe we should go back to a time where only a few people knew about the tastiest almond croissant in town, and you had to take a class from the breathing guru himself to learn the secrets to limitless sexual performance. Maybe we should go back to keeping bad words bad and good words good. Try to flip this world right-side up again and stuff all these sick viral hacks back in their petri dishes. Or maybe you should just restack this post and spread my Substack like a verbal Noro contagion inside this little incubator cruise ship of words.
"It's not fair, daddy, we own the cruise line! Why didn't *I* get Hantavirus first? I want it now!"
This just gave me an idea for a piece to write, so thanks for that!
Also, as of a few weeks ago that Veruca Salt reference would’ve been lost on me. Keep your eye out for Sheila M’s next piece (or two), Veruca makes an appearance!!!